...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
