i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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