I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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