grandma shit on top of the toilet
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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