Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
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Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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