just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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