I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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