I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
