I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All I want is dick and wine.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
