After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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