he puts the penis in happiness.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
