She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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