You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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