Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
