I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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