now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
