I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
