my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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