he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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