Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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