im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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