Don't make out with my wife yet
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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