So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
