i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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