remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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