i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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