Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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