I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
