even my farts smell like vagina
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
