proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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