Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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