3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
