I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
