where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
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Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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