He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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