I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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