Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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