my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
