Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
