so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
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I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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