Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
