I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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