pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
