I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
