my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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