I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
