I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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