My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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