u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
