Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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