she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
