I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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