I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
