my phone needs a breathalizer
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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